Danny Amor's Online Library/Danny Amor's Online Library - Volume 1.iso/html/startrek/parody/tng/faultylove.parody

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From: [e-mail] (Douglas Fowler)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.misc,alt.startrek.creative
Subject: Parody - St:TNG: Love, bad transpoerters, etc.
Date: 15 Apr 1993 14:53:46 GMT
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, Ohio (USA)
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Star Trek-TNG: Love, Faulty
Transporters, Other Plot Devices

     Captain's log, stardate 0.9999999...

Data:  Why not just say "1", Captain?  It can be mathematically proven that...

Picard:  Shove it up your rear, Mr. Data.

Riker(giggling): How can he say that with a straight face?

Picard:   ...we are en route to Delta Phi Sigma Omega Yorlando Garabaldi
THeta III, or Omega Yore for short.  It got its strange name because it orbits
several stars that rotate around each other in a pulsar-like setting.  We
have received notice that they are technologically advanced enough to allow
us to invite them into the Federation - or at least invite them over for tea.

Geordi (walking in carrying several long straws):  Okay, time to draw straws
to see who falls in love this...

Riker:  LeVar, it's not commercial time yet!

LeVar Burton (ducking out):  Oops!!!

Picard:  Talk about continuity being thrown out of whack.

Troi:  As long as we're on the subject, of 702 crew and family members in
the office pool, RIker has 210 votes, I have 183, you have 86, Captain, and
are tied with Beverly...

Picard:  Enough!

Troi:  I just thought you might like to know that 15 people think someone
will fall in love with Data, and he will reciprocate.

Riker:  That's preposterous.

Data:  Not really Commander.  A female human crewmember did believe she
could love me in one episode.  I would argue "Hero Worship" would fit in that
category of extreme adoration.

Riker:  She means romantically, not love like a child has for a parent or
admiration for a hero.

Data:  Perhaps I do not fully understand the many facets of love, then.

Q:  Hey, anyone think about me?!

Picard:  Oh, no, not again.

     (Commercial time:  Ross Perot does a commercial for United We Stand,
and compares America to lots of bizarre things;  Joe Isuzu talks about what
a dumb name "Impact" is for a vehicle that you don't want to impact against
anything;  A York peppermint patty commercial where the person says when
they bite into one, they get the sensation of being stoned to death - a
producer quickly grabs him and puts his hand over his mouth.)

Q:  Don't worry about me, Picard.  I just wanted to let you know you won't
have a bartender for a while - Guinan and I are going out on a date.

Picard:  Are you telling me she is a member of the continuum?

Q:  Don't be absurd, of course not.  She's only 600-700 years old.  I have this
thing for her, though, and we're going to hit some of the best nightspots on
Omega Yore.  Anyone who can be 700 years old and look like that has got to
be fantastic.

Data:  41.2% of the crew suspect she is a Timelord, like Dr. Who.

Riker:  I can't think of his name right now, either.

Picard:  Who's name?

Data:  Dr. Who.

Picard:  That's what I just asked you, Mr. Data.

Data:  And I told you.

Riker:  If you told us his name, what did you tell us.

Data:  I said Dr. Who.

Troi:  Perhaps we can figure it out if we know what show he is on.

Data:  Dr. Who.

Troi:  Yes, that is who I mean.

Data:  You misunderstand, counselor; I was not asking a question - I was
telling you.  Dr. Who is the name of the show; it is named after title
character.

RIker:  And his name is what?

Data:  Not what, Who.

Riker:  I don't know.

Q:  Third base! (disappears)

RIker:  Did that accomplish *anything?*

Worf:  Sir, the delegation from Omega Yore is ready to receive the crew.

Picard:  Fine - Worf, you, Will, Dr. Crusher, Geordi, Troi, and myself will
go as an away team.

Worf:  They say that won't be necessary.

Picard:  Why not?

Data:  They already receive us on channel 2 - reruns 6 days a week.  Apparently what they meant was Star Trek is about to come on.

Riker:  What's showing?

Data:  "The Quality of Life."

Picard:  Good Heavens, we'd better beam down quickly and spare them the grief.

     (Away team beams down.  They are in a large, saucer-shaped object.)
Two small boys(running to an orange-faced alien known as Joe): Daddy,
how'd you make the crew appear in the dish and not just the show appear in
the dish?!?

Joe(to the boys):  It's okay, I'll fix this; run along and play.  (To the crew):
You idiots, you've beamed into the satellite dish!

Worf:  We thought we'd interrupt the transmission when we detected what
was showing.

Joe:  Yes, that is a poor episode, isn't it.  Well...(notices Troi, gets very
wide-eyed):  Wow!

Geordi:  I don't know if anyone else will fall in love, Brent, but the leader...

Riker:  Levar, we didn't go to commercial yet!

Joe:  Hi, I'm Joe, and this is my friend Ed and my lovely female assistant
Mega.

Ed:  Hello.

Picard (glancing at Mega):  Shall I compare thee to a summer's day,...

     (Meanwhile, back on the ship):
Barclay:  Sir, I'm sensing some large anomales from a star.  (Explosions rock
the ship.)

Data:  O'Brien, damage report.

O'Brien:  Transporters all down, it'll take hours to repair them....

     (Commercial time:  The author starts a campaign earlier than ever by
announcing he'll run for President in 2016)
     O'Brien:  ...there is no other real damage, sir.

Data:  Strange that the transporters would be the only things to malfunction.
Can you account for that?

O'Brien:  It does make a fantastic plot device.  The problem is in the core
multi-faceted, retroactive, biosimplification modulator that's hooked up to
the lateral inverse-polarized...

Data:  Thank you, Mr. O'Brien.

O'Brien:  You don't want to hear the 32 other technobabble terms of the
week?

Barclay:  Yikes!!!  A star is about to go novae!

     (On video - a commercial:  "Omega Yore's 3rd star, Ex Post Facto III,
announces a special sale on Chevy Novas, correspondent with its recent
contract to make Nova sole producer of government vehicles.")

Data:  That's nova, Ensign.  Without the 'e'.

Barclay:  Sorry; I guess my adrenal gland was acting up.

Data:  Perhaps you should consider having it removed.

Barclay:  Didn't Mr. Spock do that same joke in the original series?

Data (To away team):  Things are okay up here except for a major
malfunction of the transporters' internal circuitry.  I am still miffed that I
was not picked for this mission.  I believe I have shown myself capable of
falling in love; or at least appearing to.  Oh, and Levar - er, Geordi - was the
only one to correctly guess who would fall in love this episode.  To be
specific, he including Guinan, and said: "Guinan and the whole bridge save for
Data."  He will win over $10,000 in bets.

Picard (with Mega embracing him):  That explains his excitement when the
script came out.

Data:  2 other people were close; they said the whole bridge, but included
me.  That was apparently an error, unless I find a way to copulate with...

Picard:  That's enough, Mr. Data.  Things are wonderful here - Picard out.
(To Mega):  O Mega, your...

Mega (sitting up, stunned):  What - you said something about Omega Yore!
Is our planet about to explode?  DId your ship just say we must evacuate...

Picard:  Nonsense, I was just talking about your features while making
passionate love to you, caressing in your wonderful and Heavenly beauty...

Mega:  Oh, is that all.

     (Meanwhile, in another part of the city):
Geordi(in romantic, candlelight restaurant):  My darling, your body is
emitting remarkable amounts of heat and energy.  You are sweating
and some nerve cells around your eyes are transmitting fantastic amounts
of excited signals to the transducers in your brain.  Do you feel all right?
Shall I get you something to calm down?

Geordi's new flame, Michelle:  No, you dolt, I'm falling head over heels in
love over you.

Geordi:  Wow, so that's what it's like!

Michelle:  Maybe it would be fun to try it with your visor off.

     (Meanwhile, back at the ranch.)
Ed(hugging Beverly):  I love you.

Beverly:  I love you, too.  You are the most handsome person I have ever met.

     (Meanwhile, in another part of town):
Worf(chasing a woman around a table):  This is part of an ancient Klingon
mating ritual.

Woman(named Samantha):  How long does it last?

Klingon:  Parts are somewhat painful for both parties - however, in
deference to my son's innocence and the fact that we're not X-rated, I
do not practice them.  I simply instruct the woman to run in circles.

Samantha:  You have a son?  How nice.  Are you married?

Worf:  No, uh...It's a long story, but we're separated.  He's 9 and his name's
Alexander.  I hope you would be a good mother, Samantha.

Samantha:  Call me Sam.  Sam I am.  Would you like green eggs and ham?

Worf(still running):  If I'm to marry you, Ma'am, miss Sam I Am, I'll have to
see if my son likes green eggs and ham.  Man, is this corny.

     (Meanwhile, during the best of times and the worst of times)
Troi(sitting on a couch holding hands with Joe):  I sense that you are happy.
You want to spend your life with me.  You think I would make a wonderful
mother to your 2 small children.  I sense...(pauses - peers over at the older
brother, about 6, who has an ornery grin on his face):  I don't know what that
boy just did, but you'd better tell him to tell his brother he's sorry and send
him to his room right now!

Boy:  Ooh, you're spooky - I don't want you as my mom!

Troi:  Mothers can sense that something is wrong even without being part
Betazoid.

     (Meanwhile, at a nice little place in Casablance):
Q:  Nice bar, isn't it.  Oh, there's Humphrey Bogart.

Guinan:  Gee, the rest of the crew has to stay on the planet - you can go
anywhere.

Q:  That's right.  Play it, Sam - play "As Time Goes By." (Song in the
background):  You know, Bogie never actually said the words: "Play it again,
Sam."

Guinan:  And Kirk never said the exact words:  "Beam me up, Scotty."
Spock may have once, and I think Kirk said: "Beam us up, Scotty"...

Q:  Funny, isn't it.

Guinan:  So, now that the viewers know this, are they ready to appear on
Jeopardy?

Q:  I don't know, but it's rather strange to have all these crewmembers in
love.  It doesn't make for much continuity in an episode at all.  TIm Lynch's
Spoiler review would be rather interesting.

     (Commercial time:  The station forgets to insert the tapes, and so 2
minutes of nothing go by - it is the most watched 2 minutes of the week.)

     (Meanwhile, we're running out of meanwhiles)
Riker(hugging a beautiful woman):  What did you say your name was again?

Woman:  At least the other crewmembers got to know their lovers.

Riker:  At least we have protection.

     (Meanwhile...hmm, I guess that's all.  Okay, back to Crusher once - she's
standing next to the man she loved - a doctor is nearby):
Doctor:  We'll have to take this trill out. (An assistant brings a bullfrog
in.)  We'll give you an anesthetic.

Ed:  Gee, thanks a lot.

     (The lizard-shaped trill is in the bullfrog, and talks to Beverly)
Trill:  Don't you love me anymore?

Beverly(angrily):  Just answer me this - if we made love, what kind of
children would a human and trill produce?!?!

Trill:  Don't ask.

     (Meanwhile, Worf is talking in his communicator - Alexander has been
summoned):
Data:  Sorry we can't beam you up - the transporters have been taken apart
and put back together in the last 8 hours, but nothing has been learned of
the reason for their malfunciton.

Worf:  Well, just ask Alexander if based on my information, he would like
my new woman friend as a mother.

Alexander: I'd not eat them as the last man alive/I would not eat them at
warp five/I can't stand them, Sam I am/I do not like green eggs and ham.

Worf:  Well, you can always eat some of the stuff you do like when I cook
 - or fix yourself a peanut butter sandwich.  What about otherwise.

Alexander:  I don't know.  Maybe.

Data:  By the way, are you there, Geordi?  I have some bad news.

Geordi(in another location):  Yeah, what is it?

Data:  While we were fiddling with the transporters, I noticed an old
computer - it immediately showed a remarkable energy surge, as did I,
and we both intermingled our data to a great degree.  Sad to say, Geordi,
I was in love, and found it very satisfying.  Our intermingling could be
compared to human copulation, after all.  Needless to say, your winnings,
which totaled over $15,000 at last count, will now go to the only person
naming all such people and no others - Alexander.

Alexader:  Yippee!

Worf:  What?!  Alexander, do you know what you were doing?  Did you
merely say these people would find wonderful friends, or what?

Alexander:  No, Dad, I guess I did predict Commander Riker and at least
one other person would have sex, and I kind of mentioned you trying a
bit of that really horny mating ritual.

Worf:  I have instructed you not to speak of such things, young man - there
will be plenty of time for that when you grow up.  I will not ground you for
the next 2 days since you were honest with me, and therefore maintained
your honor, but you are to go stand in the corner for 10 minutes - and you
will not be able to use the earnings.  I'll see they go into a college fund.
And remember, I still love you, and always will.

Alexander (sadly):  Yes, Dad.

     (Several hours later, the crew, including Guinan, is together again
on the planet.)
Riker:  What - none of us has a partner now?

Geordi:  Data and his partner just weren't compatible. (groans erupt from
the crew.)  As for mine, once she learned I hadn't gotten all that money
from the bets she just ditched me.

Beverly:  At least you didn't fall in love with a trill.  I couldn't handle the
fact that he'd gotten a bullfrog as a host body.

Troi:  Our parting was more amicable - his kids didn't want something as
"spooky" as a mom who could read minds.

RIker:  Maybe they just imagined what their grandmother would look like.

Troi:  Hey!

Worf:  I made a choice for my son's sake, too.  Samantha was
bewitching (more moans - Samantha was the name of the half-witch on
Bewitched), but she had ideas about settling down to live, and I
want Alexander to stay on the ship, and perhaps join Starfleet someday.

Guinan:  Speaking of bewitching, I found it too spooky to have a lover who
could spy on me by becoming the furniture in our home or something.

Picard:  Yes, I guess I chose duty over love, too, in a way.  What about
you, Will?

Riker:  I'd take love any day.

Picard:  I mean this romance.

Riker:  She was already married.  I learned that later when we were in
bed.  Want to see the bruises?

Picard:  THat won't be necessary, Number One.

Data:  We will not need the shuttlecraft, sir - we can now beam you
aboard.

Geordi:  Finally.  What was wrong?

Data:  When Worf sent Alexander to stand in the corner, he chose a very
plain one in Engineering.  After sobbing for a few minutes, he glanced down
and noticed that a plug was loose.  He pushed in into the socket a little
further, then told us of it when it was time to end the punishment.  It turns
out that the loose plug was the source of the problem.  It's a good thing
he did that, or you might have been there for weeks.

Geordi:  Data, Klingons don't have tear ducts.

Data:  I am aware of that, sir.  he was breathing heavily as an Earth child
would, though - I consider that sobbing even if tears don't come out.  I will
not be the one to destroy continuity.

Riker(sternly):  You just did, Data - you used a contraction.

Dada:  I did?  Perhaps I should go stand in that same corner.

Riker:  Forget it, just beam us up.

     (Back on the ship - Picard and company are on the bridge.)
Picard:  Mr. Data, set a course for...

Data:  Sir, did the Omegans wish to join the Federation?

Picard:  Good Heavens, I forgot all about that.  I don't suppose you mentioned
it, Will?

RIker:  How could I; I was too busy making love and get my shins kicked in
 by her husband.

Picard:  We'd better get down there again.  Mr. Data, this time you will
accompany Troi and me.  This will only take a little bit.

     (Next scene:  The crew is beaming down to the planet):
Joe:  Captain, I thought you'd come back - your Commander Riker left
his underwaear...

Picard:  Thank you, sir; we've come to invite you to join the Federation.

Joe:  Why didn't you do that last time?

Data:  Our sensory systems were overcome by a number of individuals who
felt the same sort of excitement of their nervous systems, causing
temporary lapses in their ability to recall basic events, placing their
emotional well-being ahead of what was to be the primary...

Picard:  That's enough, Mr. Data!  I guess love got in the way a little.

Joe:  Well, sure, thanks.  Now what do we do?

Kids:  We're going to Disneyland!

Joe:  Cute. (Glancing at Troi):  They've gotten a little more used to you.
Maybe we can continue our fling?

Troi:  I'd like that.

Picard:  Counselor, remember why we're here.

Troi:  Oh, Captain, how hard can it be?  They send the flagship, but they
know all that must be done is for a few papers to be signed at stuff like
that.  There'll be plenty of time.

Picard:  I have the papers in my pocket.  Do you have a pen?

Joe(whipping out a pen):  Right here. (The 2 sign the papers.)

Troi(slightly frustrated):  Now can we get down to it.  What do you want
to do?

Joe:  There's a real nice zoo with creatures from throughout the quadrant
near here - the kids love it.

Troi:  Fine, let's go.

Data:  Captain, what are we going to do?

Picard:  Oh, phooey, I want to continue my relationship, too.  Call everyone
down here for shore leave. (Into communicator):  Hear that, Number One.

Riker:  Er, I think I'll sit this one out.

Picard:  Mega has a sister...

Riker:  I'll be right down.  O'Brien, you'll have the conn.
     (The end.)
--
Doug Fowler: [e-mail]  : Me, age 4 & now: "Mommys and Daddys & other
    Ever wonder if, after Casey : relatives have to give lots of hugs & love
missed the 3rd strike in the poem: & support, 'cause Heaven is just a great
he ran to first and made it?     : big hug that lasts forever and ever!!!"